War! What is it Good For?

It seems that every time I open the newspaper, tune into talk radio or watch TV Network/Cable news, I keep hearing the phrase “War on Women”.  Really?

When I hear the word War, I think Iraq, Afghanistan, The Middle East, Israel, Iran or Syria.   America is no stranger to War and has a rich history and checkered past when it comes to conflict.  But is there really a war against women in the USA? Who knew?

Say it aint so, Joe.  I don’t want to go to war with women. I like women.  In fact I love a number of them.  I’m married to one… My mother is a woman, so is my sister, I have three sisters- in- law, two daughters and  three granddaughters… and countless friends, wives of friends, ex-wives of friends.  Some of my best business clients are women.  If I harm them, I may not eat or pay my mortgage. A woman cuts my hair... with sharp scissors in her hands. How safe is that if we are at war?

When did this war start?  Was there a draft...  like in Vietnam?  Was their training? Boot Camp? How come no one told me to prepare? They let me come home every night and attempt to listen to my wife tell me about her day.  I could have used guerilla tactics by staying late at the office or stopping off at the golf course.  Or retire to my “man-cave” at home to watch ESPN and MLB Network before dinner.  

But hey, if we are at war, would my wife even make me dinner?   She did, so I asked her “Honey, are we at war with you women”?  She answered “Not if you help with the dishes”.  Whew! Is that all I need to do to avert a major conflict? But there had to be more to it.  The Media outlets wouldn’t embellish this war, would they? What could prompt her to invoke the “He Needed Killing’ law to be put into effect? Would I have to sleep with one-eye open?

Who else could I ask, who else would know.   I called my Mother... after all, she has been a women for 91 years so I needed to pick her brain about any wars she may have engaged in, not the least of which with my father, who I thought might be sainted after he died… for demonstrating superb patience in the wake of their marriage wars.  But when I called her to ask if we were at war, she said what she always says to me; What time is it there?  How’s the weather? And How ‘bout those Phillies! (She lives in Philadelphia –a great a place to be from – “from” being the key word).

My sister just sent me a CD titled “The Lord is my Shepherd” – Hmmm!  Psalm 23… with beautiful violin music for times of prayer and contemplation.  That’s certainly not a war cry. But maybe she is trying to divert my attention away from the coming battle.

Diversion? That’s it! Why didn’t I realize it sooner?  We are in an election year!  And the President is running for re-election. And he has to run on his record… yikes! Nobody in their right mind would want that.  Gosh, there are 12 million people out of work, many for 6 months or longer; 15 trillion in debt, excessive regulation strangling small business, the 99% are waging class warfare against anyone making six figures.  Suburban soccer Moms are paying $90 to fill up their SUV’s? Now that means War – on women’s pocketbooks.

But what do we hear? Sandra Fluke, a thirty year old woman attending Georgetown Law School ($23,000  tuition per semester) can’t afford to have sex because some killjoys insist that Health Insurance provided by Catholic institutions (and our cash strapped government) refrain from paying for her contraception.  She claims this form of “health care” that prevents pregnancy may cost $3000 over a three year term.  Her parents must be proud... to hear of her ambitious exploits! What happened to modesty? Or ladies who didn’t kiss and tell?  Maybe she feels stuck in that Virginia Slims ad from the early 70’s “You’ve come a long way, baby”. But geez, what a slacker—buck up, honey, you’re 30 years old.

 We’re told emphatically this is a women’s rights and health issue. Since when has obtaining contraception ever been a problem –until now?  Why, birth control pills must cost all of $10 per month at large retailers Wal-Mart and Target… and are free at Planned Parenthood clinics. That’s $120 annually, less than the cost of a premium cable channel, or two Starbucks lattes.

But I digress.  It’s time to strategize… President Obama needs votes –so let’s start a war. War is good for business. Let’s have the tail wag the dog!  Let’s divert the country’s attention from the real issues and hunker down under the veil of Women’s Rights.  Yeah, that’s the ticket; the GOP won’t know what hit them.  The President even called Ms. Fluke to encourage her as she testified before Congress to declare that the War is indeed raging.  What do you think he said? Did he quote Lincoln, Eisenhower, or Churchill-- real leaders during real Wars?  No, he probably just quoted the immortal words of Sun Tzu, “All war is deception”.  Charge!!